THE PERSISTENT PIG
A fable based on Luke 18:1-8
by Anne Robertson
Narrator: This is the story of Paula, the persistent pig.
Paula: That's me!
N: Paula used to live at the edge of the great green forest in a little house made of straw.
P: Yeah, it was a great little place--two bedrooms, a bath with a jacuzzi, cable–then that wretch of a wolf came and blew the place down.
Wolf: (Enters) I did no such thing. (To audience) Don't believe it. I'm just not that kind of wolf. Check my record.
P: You most certainly did, Bozo. You came up huffin' and puffin' and before you knew it HBO was off the air and there wasn't a straw left standing.
W: My name is William, not Bozo, and of course I was huffing and puffing. I'd just finished my evening jog through the forest. Is it my fault that a lame-brained pig decided to make a house out of straw?
P: Who are you calling lame brained?
W: You, that's who...(they exit arguing)
N: Well, I guess you see the problem. Paula Pig is convinced that William Wolf blew the house down on purpose, and she wants something done about it. So, one day, off she went to see the judge. (Exits)
P: (Enters, walks and whistles a bit. Knocks on door.)
Judge: (Enters. Answers in a gruff voice) Who's there?
P: Good morning, your honor. It's me. Paula Pig.
J: What do you want?
P: Your honor, I have been greatly wronged. The other evening as I was minding my own business, watching HBO–there was a great movie on. Have you ever seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, your honor? It's very good.
J: Get on with it lady. I haven't got all day.
P: Sorry, your honor. Anyway, as I was watching TV, this wolf came out of the great green forest and he huffed and he puffed, and he blew my house down!
J: And when was this?
P: Last Friday, your honor.
J: And do you have a place to live now?
P: Yes, I'm staying with my brother in his brick house.
J: Well, good. I'm glad that's settled. Have a nice afternoon. (Exits)
P: But, your honor...I want justice done...Your honor? Hmph. How do you like that. Well, maybe it was just a bad day. I'll come back tomorrow. (Exits)
N: (Enters) Paula Pig was very disappointed, but she did not give up. The very next morning she went back to see the judge to ask for justice. (Exits)
P: (Enters walking and whistling as before. Then knocks.)
J: Who's there?
P: Good morning, your honor. It's me again, Paula Pig.
J: Good grief, woman. What do you want now?
P: Your honor, I want justice. My house was destroyed by this no good wolf right in the middle of a good movie, and I want him to pay for it. It wasn't right.
J: Look, lady. I've got more important cases to handle. You've got a good place to live--no wolf is going to huff and puff down bricks--and I have a job to do. Now beat it. (Exits)
P: I will not beat it! I want justice, and if you won't give it to me here, I'll take it to court! (To herself) More important cases my hoof! We'll see what's important. (Exits)
N: You guessed it. The next thing anybody knew, the case was in court, and the bailiff announced the case of Paula Pig versus William Wolf. Paula Pig represented herself, while William Wolf had a lawyer named Larry.
(Enter Judge, Lawyer, Wolf, and Pig)
J: Paula Pig, please take the stand. (She moves.) Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
P: I do.
J: Ms. Pig, please tell the court the facts as you know them.
P: On Friday evening, June the 25th, I was sitting in my home at the edge of the great green forest, when that no-good, flea-bitten wolf...
Lawyer: I object! She is slandering the character of my client.
J: Objection sustained. Ms. Pig, please make no further comments about the character of Mr. Wolf. Just the facts, ma'am.
P: Yes, your honor. Anyway, just as the Killer Tomatoes were beginning to multiply...
J: What killer tomatoes?
P: On the movie, your honor. It was just getting interesting, when I look out my window and there is this wolf huffing and puffing right at my front door. Well, first the wires went down and the TV cut off, and then the whole house just flattened.
W: I did not huff and puff on purpose!
J: You will have a chance to tell your side of the story in a moment, Mr. Wolf. Mr. Lawyer, do you wish to cross-examine the witness?
L: Yes, your honor. Ms. Pig, what was your home made of?
P: Straw, sir.
L: And how was that straw held together?
P: It was woven.
L: And isn't it true that you built the home yourself rather than hiring a professional contractor to do the job?
P: I can weave straw as well as any contractor!
L: That is not what I asked. Is it true that you built the home yourself?
L: No further questions, your honor. I would like to call my client, Mr. William Wolf to the stand.
J: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
W: I do.
L: Mr. Wolf, would you tell the court what happened on the evening of June 25th?
W: Gladly. I left home about 6:30 for my evening jog through the great green forest. I stopped to rest on the other side at about 7 o'clock. I was really tired and very thirsty when I saw this little straw house on the side of the forest. I decided to go and ask for a drink, but I wanted to catch my breath before I knocked on the door. Well, I guess I was puffing so hard outside the door that it knocked the place down. I'm sorry about that, but it was an accident.
P: Lightning will strike you for lying on the witness stand!
J: Please, Ms. Pig. Try to restrain yourself.
L: Your honor, I have here a sworn statement from a reputable building contractor regarding the stability of straw homes.
J: Please read it to the court.
L: It says, “They fall down. Easily.”
W: Yeah. Any half-witted idiot would know that one good puff would tear the whole thing down. It was an accident, I tell you.
J: Thank you. Ms. Pig, would you like to cross-examine the witness?
P: Yes. Mr. Wolf, would you describe your education to the court?
W: Why, I have the best education in the forest. I went to all the best schools and graduated at the top of my class.
P: Well, if you're so smart, you must have known that all your huffing and puffing outside of my door would blow my house down--you're guilty!
W: It's not fair! She trapped me!
P: You blew my house down, and I want justice! I will take this to the Supreme Court if I have to! I will not give up!
J: Enough! Order in the court! I have my decision. Even though I don't care a bit about this pig or her straw house, I will give her what she asks.
W: What for? That's not fair!
J: I don't care about you either, Mr. Wolf, but you are not as big a pain as she is. If I don't give her what she wants, she will bother me for the rest of my life. You, Mr. Wolf, must build her a new house, and pay her $100,000 for pain and suffering plus her own video cassette of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Case closed.
(All exit with pig crying "hurray" and Wolf muttering "It's not fair.")
N: (Reading from Luke 18:6-8 NRSV) Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God grant justice to his chosen ones who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long in helping them? I tell you, he will quickly grant justice to them. And yet, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?